Only a proctologist could relate to

the experience of using the

Internet with a slow computer and a

slow modem. First, the harsh snap

of the white plastic gloves. A

probing finger slowly enters the

tight anus, searching around in the

dark and moist cavity for lumps.

With each movement of the finger,

the patient's ass gets tighter and

tighter; after several seconds of

the proctologist's probing, the

patient's ass is so tight that the

proctologist can barely move his

finger. Becoming annoyed, he

viciously thrusts his finger deep

into the anal cavity, tearing the

anus and causing the patient's full

bowels to spill out, covering

himself in shit. True story -

metaphorically, that is.

Although most Internet surveys

indicate a relatively erudite

population, the true key to being a

successful web surfer is not

intelligence but rather patience.

In order to keep themselves awake,

many Internet users collect

extensive sets of colorful and

entertaining cursors, as most time

is not spent devouring the

"incredible content" of the web,

but staring dumbly at the infamous

hourglass. Also, as a rule, most

Internet users (and computer users

in general) wire themselves with

caffeine before and during any

prolonged "surf session;"

protracted computer usage is

virtually impossible unless under

the influence of some mind-altering

soporific.

Forget those useless

deals with supposed "content

providers," instead all browsers

should come with one free

intravenous caffeine drip. To

illustrate this, have you ever

tried to show one of your

non-net-literate friends some "cool

site" that really piqued your

interest? If you didn't spend hours

caching the entire site beforehand,

your friend most likely appeared

listless and bored, tapping their

feet while you kept repeating "No,

no, it gets better, trust me..."

Forget the naysayers who predict

the imminent collapse of the

Internet because of the

proliferation of such

bandwidth-wasting applications as

CU-See-Me; most users have nowhere

near the capability to utilize more

than an infinitesimal fraction of

their ISP's T1.

Although media pundits, desperate

to fill up column space, write

prolifically on the breath of

content on the Internet, in truth,

there is nothing but pornography,

save an occasional smattering of

either caustic cynicism or

incredible stupidity. As already

established by literally hundreds

of Suck and Wired special features,

such sites as MSNBC and c|net only

pretend (very well, actually) to

have content, instead carefully

rewording press releases and adding

kilobytes upon kilobytes of

worthless graphics and Java

controls. In a recent AltaVista

query on "Aldous Huxley," to took

over 19 minutes to check through

the top-fifteen entries; 19 minutes

and nothing but pictures of good

old Aldous (albeit not lewd ones).

The same goes for almost any topic

that does not either actively

promote a product or stimulate

genitalia; hours upon hours of

browsing, and nothing but shit.

Only after waiting 27 more minutes

and entering a credit card number

at ELibrary did anything

substantial present itself.

Then again, maybe if you venture

far enough into the Internet's

shit-filled bowels, you might just

see a faint light at the end of the

tunnel. Now, just bend over, this

won't hurt at all...