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76. Use bleeding-edge features on HotWired that run only on near-beta browsers. Crow about them.

77. Have done with history's longest throat-clearing, and say goodbye, Gutenberg. Consign the written word -- that troublesome, Second Wave holdover -- to the dustbin of history, and dive off the deep end into the heady depths of postliteracy. Like the Extropians, you're forever reminding us that the body is dead meat; why not heed the argument implied by your Mighty Morphin migraine-making typography -- namely, that the body copy is obsolete? As your designer John Plunkett memorably observed (in a quote calculated to inspire a thrill of terror in Wired's long-suffering stable of freelance hacks), "I sometimes have to sacrifice readability when I'm pushing the edge of the envelope on design." Linear reasoning and rational thought are so over, anyway, as managerial gurus like Tom Peters are always telling us.

78. While you're at it, why not morph into the mail-order catalog for commodity fetishes and designer mindstyles you've always dreamed of being, wordlessly hawking supercomputing cufflinks, The Daily Me, and other Media Lab gewgaws -- the perfect products for an age of Merchant-Ivory noblesse oblige and Bill Gatesian cybermansions. In fact, following Negropontean logic, why not make the leap from atoms to bits to pure quintessence and pedal vaporware -- virtual products obsolete before they're realized, the ur-product being Virtual Reality itself, a technology dead on arrival, suffocated by an avalanche of cyberhype.

79. Hire back Derek Powazek of The Fray and give him carte blanche to design HotWired 5.0.

80. Appoint Suck's Heather Havrilesky CEO and watch the fur fly.

81. Position yourself for a takeover by Rupert Murdoch, who will certainly put Carl Steadman in charge.

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