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6. Hire more women.

7. Run puzzlers, with the answer in next month's issue. Sample puzzle: "If you have 300 gallons of neon green flourescent ink, but only 220 pages to spill it on, how many ounces of ink per page?"

8. Stop relying on "the cool factor" - the fact that people will suck up whatever you produce because it's cool. Nothing cool can stay. And when the Wired brand isn't the coolest thing on the block anymore, you'd better have something else to back it up (like, say, technology that works, or insightful, innovative content).

9. Run more profiles of MIT graduates who've never actually turned their big ideas into any money.

10. Go back to the better grade of paper.

11. Hire the guy who did the Joe Camel ads for RJR. Make it very clear to him that he is not to pander to children, especially not by using any subliminal hardware imagery. Pay him with stock options.

12. Fire everyone making over $30k - let the remaining people run the company. The ex-employees could start a new magazine called Fired, all about how tough it is to get jobs in the mainstream media.

13. Utilize those little red lights in the heels of sneakers in the magazine packaging somehow. For instance, every time you throw the magazine against the wall, the spine lights up.

14. Give up on going public. Sell T-shirts instead.

15. Accept phone sex ads.

16. Stop taking yourselves so fucking seriously.

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